


Finally found out

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-08-22
Updated: 2007-08-22
Packaged: 2017-12-09 07:50:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/771803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Through the years, Rodney keeps losing things, some of which are found, some of which can be replaced, some of which don't matter, and some of which do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finally found out

**Author's Note:**

> I was backup writer for Team Romance for McShep Match 2007 and ended up writing four stories for my prompt "lost". This is the third of those stories and the one I officially submitted as prompt answer.

When Rodney McKay was 10 years old, he lost his cat.

He felt stupid for even caring so much, when Cat had never really cared all that much about him. But his family had just moved to another town in another country and, unlike his parents and his sister, Cat didn't constantly annoy him.

He printed out pictures of her with a description and their phone number and while he taped them to walls and lamp posts around the neighborhood, he met the boy next door, a dark-haired 10-year-old named John Sheppard.

John helped him look for Cat and eventually found her. When he brought her back to Rodney, Rodney hugged him because he was grateful, both for having Cat back and having found a friend.

He'd never found it easy to make friends, but John was different than anyone he'd ever met. After the Cat Adventure they soon became inseparable.

~~

When Rodney was 12 years old, he lost his father's binoculars.

His father had explicitly told him not to take them, because he didn't trust Rodney not to lose or break them. Rodney had taken them anyway because he wasn't a baby anymore, and if his father was too stupid to see that, it was up to Rodney to make a sensible decision.

The binoculars turned out to cost three times the amount of money that Rodney had.

He went to John to complain about the idiocy of spending that kind of money on binoculars—and to ask for tips on how to best run away and make it to Canada undetected.

When John gave him the money that he needed to replace the binoculars, Rodney was speechless for maybe the first time in his life. Eventually he managed to say "Thank you".

John shrugged and said, "I expect you to pay it back."

Rodney never dared to ask John where he had taken the money from.

~~

When Rodney was 15 years old, he lost his virginity.

Samantha Carter was one year older and exactly Rodney's type. She was tall and smart, had short blonde hair and great breasts. They regularly had sex that year, although they weren't officially together.

Sam didn't really talk to him at school, but Rodney didn't mind.

In fact the only thing that bothered him was that John really didn't like Samantha. Although it wasn't so much her personally as the way she "treated" him.

Rodney kept telling him that he preferred this to a girl who was all PDAs but never put out.

In secret he thought that John just needed to get laid too. But after pointing out that he had it on good authority that both Teyla and Elizabeth were interested in him, John had only given him a strange look and had avoided him for a week.

After that, Rodney hadn't mentioned it again.

~~

When Rodney was 16 years old, he lost his parent's car.

"You did what?!" John asked when Rodney called him, but took the bus there anyway, even if he didn't quite understand how you could lose a car.

Rodney swore hell and high water that it was on F/15 like the jet fighter that John had a poster of in his room. John explained that it was an F-16.

They found the car on F/13.

On their way home John joked that there was nothing that Rodney wouldn't lose. One day he'd come home from school and notice that all the clothes on his body were gone. Rodney glared at him. John grinned and looked him up and down as if he was imagining it. The car swerved dangerously when Rodney hit him.

At home they both got out of the car and Rodney leaned against it, his arm splaying on the top. "Uh, thanks. For coming out and helping me look for it."

"You know you never find anything on your own," John said, smiling.

He leaned against the car too and let his arms splay on top, just like Rodney's, until their fingers almost touched.

His smile slowly faded as he watched their hands. Then he looked up, grinned, said "Any time" and quickly touched Rodney's fingertips with his own before walking over to his house.

~~

When Rodney was 17 years old, he lost his best friend.

Rodney told John that John couldn't _not_ go to his Senior Prom. John said he felt awkward dancing.

"It's not about _dancing_ ," Rodney told him exasperated. "I can't believe you turned down Elizabeth. You could have gone as friends, although I still don't see why you never went out with her."

John looked away, visibly uncomfortable with the discussion.

But Rodney continued. "Isn't there _anyone_ you'd consider going with?"

John hesitated.

"See! Then ask her," Rodney said, gesticulating with his hands.

"It's not that simple," John said, not looking at him.

"Yes, it is. And don't tell me she already has a date. Of course she has by now. But it doesn't matter. I know Laura will go with Carson if she can wear him down, never mind that she's already asked me. I'll go with Alina then. Believe me that won't be a problem. Just ask whoever you want to go with. She'll say yes."

"You don't know that," John said weakly.

"Yes, I do. I'm not saying I'm an expert on girls, but I've talked to _some_ of them and heard enough. It doesn't matter if they're popular or geeks or cheerleaders or goth. They _all_ like you for some reason." He rolled eyes. "You can have practically any girl you want."

"But I don't _want_ any girl!" John ground out.

Rodney recoiled. "Okay, then _one_ girl," he said lifting his hands placatingly. "But still, chances are... just tell me who it is, I'm sure I can find out if—"

"God, Rodney." John stepped up to Rodney, right into his personal space. Rodney leaned back, but stood his ground. "I don't want any _girl_."

"Huh," was all that Rodney said before John took his face in his hands and kissed him.

Rodney's hands started flailing about, but other than that he didn't react.

Eventually, John pulled away and, after one more look at Rodney, ran out. He didn't stop when Rodney called after him.

Rodney went to the prom with Alina. John didn't go at all. He was avoiding Rodney, and with graduation and preparation for college, Rodney never seemed to find the time to talk to him. When he finally did, John's parents told him he'd already left and it was too late for the talk where they'd agree to stay in touch.

~~

When Rodney was 18 years old, he lost a bet.

His friend Daniel didn't think he could get the red-head at the bar to accept a drink. She didn't, because she was the one driving.

But a week later, she walked up to Rodney and told him that this time he'd be welcome to buy her a drink, if he still wanted to.

They had a nice evening and he walked Katie home.

When he came back to his own room, his roommate was absent as always. He didn't really care that Kolya was never there, plotting one thing or another. That way he had his peace.

But sometimes, like when he had something to talk about, he thought of John and how it would be to share a room with him. He'd hoped they would and would have suggested it to John, if they'd gone to the same college as they had planned before The Kiss.

Rodney still thought about it, always wondering how he'd never noticed that John... well, he didn't really know what exactly John had felt for him. Whether it was just a thing, like the thing he'd had for Sam. He'd enjoyed it while it lasted, but when it was over, life just went on.

He wondered where John was now and if he was thinking of Rodney sometimes.

Several times he almost asked after John when he called home. But he wasn't sure what he'd say if they asked why he didn't know.

~~

When Rodney was 19, he lost his roommate.

There were a lot of rumors going around the day Kolya and some of his friends were kicked out.

Rodney knew that some of them were completely wrong, but he didn't really care enough to correct them. When people started calling him or dropping in just to talk about the unbelievable things Kolya had apparently planned, he packed his things and drove home for a long weekend.

Katie offered to go with him, but he didn't want her to meet his parents. It would only end in embarrassment and even though he liked Katie, he didn't think they'd last beyond college, if that long.

A few hours after arriving home and listening to his sister going on and on about her new boyfriend, Rodney fled. He didn't really know where to go when he looked up at John's old room and saw a bit of dark hair through the window.

After hesitating for a second, he went and rang the Sheppards' bell.

A minute later John answered the door.

"Hey," he said, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Hey," Rodney said, a bit overwhelmed by how happy he was to see John.

"Wanna come in?" John asked, pointing inside, and Rodney nodded and followed him.

"So?" Rodney asked when they were in John's room.

"People will think you were an accomplice of Kolya, now that you've fled the scene," John said easily.

Rodney gaped. "How do you...?"

"They're hardly talking about anything else."

"You're at Northwestern, too?" Rodney asked incredulously. "How can it be that I never saw you?"

John hesitated for a moment. Then he said quietly, "I wasn't sure you wanted to."

Rodney stared at him, then hit him playfully. "Of course I wanted it. I thought about you so often. I really wanted to talk to you after you know what, but I was so busy."

"What did you want to tell me?" John asked, and there was a slight glow in his eyes.

"That it's okay. That I don't... mind that you're..."

"Gay?" John asked, smiling understandingly.

"Are you?"

"Yeah."

"Cool. So do you have a boyfriend?" Rodney asked, trying to sound casual.

"Uhm," John played with the cover of his bed for a moment. "Yes, I'm seeing someone."

"Ah," Rodney said. He didn't really like the idea, but he could hardly tell John that without sounding homophobic or rude or both. "I can't believe you hid from me for over a year," he said instead.

"I was also studying on the side."

"Haha. So where do you live? I might be looking for a new place."

"I'm one roommate short."

"You, too?"

"Cowen." John didn't need to say more.

"Cowen?! But that's... if we move in together they'll definitely think we were accomplices of them and are planning to continue their quest."

"Let them think what they want to," John said, smiling happily.

~~

When Rodney was 20 years old, he lost his girlfriend.

After he'd moved in with John, he'd spent more time at home, finally able to enjoy hanging out with his roommate.

Rodney had feared that it might be awkward to live together when John had once had a crush on him, but it was as easy as if they'd never stopped being friends. And maybe they hadn't.

He didn't see Katie as often as he used to. He didn't deliberately shun her, but it simply happened that when she wanted to go out, he already had plans with John.

John's boyfriend was nearly never in their room. He had his own apartment, so John went to his place when they spent time together. Rodney tried not to think about what they were doing there.

He kept telling himself that it was selfish to wish that John wasn't with anyone, when he himself had Katie. What was worse was that he wondered if John still thought about him in _that_ way sometimes.

There were moments when John would look at him with so much affection that Rodney wondered if he wanted Rodney to reach out and touch him.

When Katie turned up one day and told him she just wanted to make it official that it was over between them, Rodney realized that they hadn't seen each other for two weeks and he hadn't even noticed it.

He didn't tell John until John asked about her. It simply hadn't mattered to Rodney.

~~

When Rodney was 21 years old, he lost his best friend and his roommate—again.

It never occurred to Rodney that he could be spending too much time with John. It wasn't as if his curriculum left all that much time in the first place. And he lived with John and they were best friends. It was natural to spend the rest of his time with him.

John had a new boyfriend, but Rodney hardly ever saw him. John didn't talk about him and Rodney didn't ask. Although he did wonder why John would be with someone who seemed to have so little interest in what John did.

John's boyfriend never went to the motorbike races that Rodney couldn't talk John out of. Rodney went every time because watching John break his neck would be better than sitting at home and thinking about it. He couldn't really enjoy it, but it was interesting to talk to the other guys' girlfriends, who all thought he was John's boyfriend. Rodney didn't correct them. 

When Rodney came home early one day, John's boyfriend was there and he was fighting with John. Rodney knew he shouldn't listen or at least make himself known, but then he heard his own name and couldn't help himself.

"It's not like that. You _know_ that," John said.

"All I know is that he always comes first."

"He's my best friend."

"And I'm supposed to be your boyfriend. Only, I don't see it. I didn't sign up for a threesome."

"Rodney is not..." John seemed helpless.

"Gay? I know that. Do you?"

"What?" John spluttered. "Of course I know."

"Because from where I'm standing it looks like you're just biding your time, screwing around until he'll finally notice that you're still in love with hi—"

"I'm not still in love with him!" John nearly shouted and Rodney felt sick because it sounded so desperate.

For a long moment there was only silence and Rodney probably should have walked away, but he was frozen to the spot. Eventually John's boyfriend quietly said, "I'm sorry."

Then the door opened and he came out. Rodney stared at him and he looked back.

"You heard?" He didn't wait for Rodney's answer though. "Then do something about it. One way or another."

He walked away and when Rodney entered their room, John had his back turned to him.

Rodney wanted so badly to reach out and put a hand on his shoulder, maybe even to put his arms around him and hold him. But that really was the problem. He couldn't be with John, but not _be_ with John.

He didn't want to believe it, but if he was honest with himself for once, he knew that it was true. He monopolized John's life, and if John had the chance between anything or anyone and Rodney, he'd always choose Rodney. And Rodney had liked that. But John was his best friend and sometimes being best friends meant that you had to say things that needed to be said, even if your best friend didn't want to hear them and you didn't want to say them.

John didn't argue when Rodney told him he'd move out.

~~

He still saw John on campus.

He watched his races, but never stayed after they were over. They talked about events or studying and every now and then went to see a movie together.

But it wasn't the same.

Rodney had taken a room off-campus, but when he came home he looked for a shock of dark hair. He thought of John when something strange or funny happened, and when he hung out with Daniel or Radek, he wondered what John was doing at the moment.

He kept telling himself that he was doing this for John, because he wanted John to be happy and for that he had to get Rodney out of his head.

So Rodney counted down the days until it would be enough and John's look wouldn't have a trace of longing whenever they passed. He waited for John to find someone, so that they could finally be best friends again.

That day came when Rodney walked into a bar one day and saw John making out with another guy in a corner. The guy's hands were on John's ass and his tongue down John's throat.

Rodney's hand fisted and he wanted nothing more than to go over and pull John away from that guy who had no business touching him like that. Because nobody should have that right but Rodney.

This realization shook him so much that he slipped out of the bar, not minding that Daniel and Radek were waiting for him.

He wandered around aimlessly for over an hour and eventually found himself in front of their old room, praying to any and all Gods that John would come home alone.

When he did, a surprised smile crossed his face.

"Rodney," he said and unlocked the door.

Inside, Rodney looked around into the room that had been his once.

He turned to John and said, "I think I'm in love with you." Then he pulled John into a kiss before he could ask any questions that Rodney was unable to answer.

It took John only a second to return the kiss. It took Rodney less to know that he never wanted to lose this.

 

When Rodney McKay was 10 years old, he lost his heart to the boy next door.

It took him 12 years to even notice and once he did, he decided he didn't want it back. He never regretted that decision.


End file.
